Earlier today, I was informed on a review that I wrote a short time ago that I was wrong when I made a statement (the bread and butter of internet criticisms) and that “what I meant” was something completely different.
Now that first part, it’s easy to let that roll off my back. It’s a pretty common thing to find, and I often use that sort of phrasing unfairly when I am simply disagreeing with an opinion, not meaning to discount it or take it for granted. Everyone has the right to their thoughts and ideas, whether we agree with them or not.
But when you start to question why I wrote what I did, suggest that I was meaning some other, random, hidden message I squirreled away for the observant reader, or that I was too fucking stupid to write the sentence in a way that properly expressed the point you’re trying to make, that’s when I start to lose my temper.
In my life, I pride myself on the fact that I try to be as earnest with everyone as possible about any and all aspects of my life. I’ve never been one to hide things personally, and I see no need to. Sure, I’ve been one to make mistakes, but I’d rather admit to them and allow myself to progress as an individual that hide them and try to forget they ever happened.
The only exception to this rule of honesty is if I’m questioned about the personal or private information of someone else, which in good conscious I cannot and will not share. Rather, I’ll make statements explaining how it’s not my business or place to share that sort of thing, which is still true but not in the open way I’ve tried to form my own life. Just because this is how I live doesn’t mean others need to be subjected to the same lifestyle against their wishes.
This policy started only a few months ago, when my ex, while walking through the woods with me one afternoon, made an important observation, but for this to make sense, I need to explain a certain theme I apply to my life.
Over the years, I’ve felt like I’ve been surrounded by those who value who they want or pretend to be over who they are, putting on faces and acting friendly. It’s a tiresome game that I learned to hate as early as high school, often applying the idea of masks to the situation. Everyone wears masks, hiding their true selves and intentions, attempting to present who they believe is their ideal selves rather than face the flawed person they actually are.
So as we walked through the woods, having a heated discussion over various events that preceded and came after our breakup, I grew rather frustrated and angry at the discovery that, once again, I had been lied to by my ex. At this point, it feels like a rather common occurrence, and one that actively contributed to the end of the relationship. I had begun referencing masks, an idea my ex was far too familiar with, when another hiker crossed our path, asking how our days were. Being polite, I quickly straightened myself up, put on a smile, and let him know I was having great day, and I hoped he did too. As we moved out of earshot, my ex made a statement that will stay with me for the rest of my life:
“You know, for someone who hates masks, you have a pretty good one.”
That simple phrase struck me in a way I cannot fully express, shaking the core of my understanding of how I presented myself.
A common joke in college, being an English major, is that half of my degree was the art of bullshitting. Many of the papers were composed not of my opinions but of those that were expected of me, occasionally asking us to feel profound things that, simply put, I didn’t. Similarly, I had grown rather skilled at lying, making my way in and out of shitty situations through the use of a few falsehoods. Having always had a way with words and people, I never found this to be entirely difficult or challenging.
Yet, prior to this I had never stopped to consider the moral implications of lying, what it is a tool, and what it actively does to us, as people and as a society. Many people use the excuse that they lie because they are protecting others, but that is a heinous and selfish falsehood. Lying is used to protect the liar for one simple truth;
Lies are made to prevent or alter the natural evolution of the status quo. Or, in other words, lies are used to maintain a self-serving status quo.
This is more easily applied to those lies that reference things that try to disguise events or facts that have already occurred but supposedly hadn’t, attempting to maintain and preserve the current status quo rather than allowing it to evolve naturally. It’s surprising how far people are willing to go to hide from that change, to prevent the intense shift of a social paradigm. If such a lie needs to be perpetuated, clearly change needs to occur in order for anyone to get better.
Meanwhile, there are those lies that look to actively change what the status quo is, altering the facts in a way that makes it a catalyst for change. These, I find, are much rarer to come across, but often more damaging in the long-term, shaping lives moving forward based on lies that should have had no impact to begin with. Ultimately, they still maintain the same problems; rather than be honest about the life everyone currently exists in, the liar attempts to alter perspectives to present their idealized status quo rather than what should actually come to pass.
In either instance, it’s clear that lies can be largely damaging, sometimes catastrophic, to the lives of those that are on the receiving end, shaping perspectives and plans that are ultimately fruitless due to them not having all the correct information.
And yes, no one is perfect, me least of all. I still lie time to time, often unintentionally, like a habit. But when I catch myself doing it, I actively try and force myself to correct the lie in the moment rather than letting it fester and perpetuate.
So yes, while some people may not agree with or like what I say, I’d rather be honest and straightforward with those around me than actively contribute to harmful views or impressions of the world at large. Even if that means getting harassed on the internet by strangers. (I imagine that, given time, I’ll find some rather interesting comments on this post in particular).
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