A Moment of Regret

A Moment of Regret
by Luke Muench

Grabbing you
by the chest
at the earliest convenience,
I lead you away
before my gut lets out,
spilling all my
despicable insides
across the cotton-white carpet,
leaving a trail of blood drops
filled with disgust and self-loathing
for others to follow.

From room to room we rush,
searching for a certain space
where we can shut away
and speak,
building boxes of burdens
to strap to the breaking backs
of our hearts.
For no one else
should ever see or hear
what we have to share.

Finally, we skid to a stop
in this dimly-lit den,
the sounds of others
drowning into the concrete walls,
the calls cut off abruptly,
sinking into the murky distance.

We sit down,
only for me
to quickly usher you up again,
severely unsettled
by the uneven seats,
refusing to look down
on a man such as you.

So, settling side by side
on the scratchy rug,
I look you square in the soul
and whisper,
"I'm sorry that I am
who I am."

The apology spans ages
in those eight words.

It's for when I took you in
as a companion
only to disappear overnight,
closeting myself
between the pages of my books.

For my disjointed mind
always wanting
to be there for you,
a willing hand
to lift the hurt
from your aching bones,
yet never knowing
how to take hold,
my grasp always slipping
from uncertainty.

For fooling you,
making you come
to the conclusion
of how my head works,
only to make the world morph
beneath your feet,
forming a finicky flooring
for you to traverse.

I say it
over and over,
the words spilling out,
uncontrolled,
jumping off my jagged lips
and into your outstretched ears,
hoping that their delicate lines
might be caught and cradled
in your understanding.

It sounds worse to me
when spoken aloud,
thoughts I could hardly
admit to myself,
let alone release
into the world,
an awful acknowledgement,
for another
to take hold of.

Eventually, I stop,
the silence ringing in my ears,
the quiet terror
that comes with waiting
for the worst.

He... smiles,
holding me by the shoulder
and says softly,
"Never be sorry
for who you are,
because I couldn't imagine
working alongside
anyone else."

Tears come unbidden
to my face,
and he holds me
in his strong and caring arms
as I sob fiercely,
letting all my pain
fall away
into the past,
embracing the future.